What I really am ?? : Relocating Myself

I may be small as I am 17, but have a lot of things inside this small brain that do not have a listener to listen, reader to read, a painter to paint.

People call me complicated. Sometimes I find it myself complicated to myself. Yeah, it may seem complicated but it is what it is right.

You know we all are born with this dream of being a great thing in the future. No matter where we are born, what we see and how we are raised we all have dreams. I have a dream too. In fact, dreams I guess. I want to study in Yale. That is pretty much a big one for a person like me. I sit here in Nepal and I need a lot, really a lot of things inside me to jump out of the page and get to that university. I am currently doing my A Levels here if you wanted to know. But anyway I told it, right ? I have a dream like any other humans that are present in this world. Going to Yale is one of my dreams. You know I want to be a man who really has different fields knowledge in short I want to be a generalist, a renaissance man. Really a great dream right. People often say I dream big, yes I do. Sometimes I get demotivated I just tell my soul yes you can just stand up and do the thing.

Let me tell you something I used be a student that everyone knew about in the school. Yeah, it is like I am just making myself great, self-praise I guess. But it is the reality of me. When I was in school I was a boy who did not used to talk much but was loved by almost all the people around. I was one of the favorite students of almost all the teacher. I miss those school days, everyone does don’t you ? You must too. I just think what those teachers are doing these days, where my classmates have been. It seems like a long time ago. There is used to be this one teacher whom I miss a lot. She was a lady teacher, she used to teach us Nepali ( language class). She said that I was her favorite student in the entire school. I used to hear about she talking about me in different classes, or you can say almost all the classes. Yeah I miss it. I really do. Wish if possible I get to see her. Days were passing on, I used to wonder when this school days will be over and I will get to high school. But now when I am in high school I really miss them.

You know what is the thing that every human wants, it’s love. Love is the thing that human wants the most and another is satisfaction. Satisfaction to do things, to make things, to fulfill their aim. You know I talked about Yale, one of the prestigious university in the world. Why really do you think I want to get there ? I know degree is not an important thing these days. Memorizing things, doing home-works, completing assignments and other stuffs to get degree I really do not like them, in other words I hate them, but you cannot just escape these things. You need them, they must be important someway. I like research work, but I do not like to memorize these all records, data, tables and keep this useless information in the head which I can get just typing some keywords in the internet, but compulsion, you need to, you cannot just say no, you need to. I like to research to cipher, code and also I love mathematics, I do love computers – they are my love. But I need to have grades to get there to study some place like Yale. Get a great marks in SAT and other tests and just go up there are get A in four- five subjects and have a outstanding story to tell. Let me tell you what my story is , –

I am boy who want to be  a coder, a hacker (hard to be I think with this small brain of mine), a photographer, a guitarist, a traveler, a mentalist ( I love reading those stuffs), a flute player, a piano player too,  a person to help poor people, a person to make things go right, a man of value, a smart guy ( not may a handsome one I guess), want to make a change in at least a person life. I want to be the guy whom someone looks and says because of you I did not give up. Being that is hard I know its very hard. Changing someone life it is a great job one can do. I  since my childhood wanted to be different from others. I am just curious to learn things. And that curious fellow is still inside me talking to me everyday, persuading me to do things, to go out there and make a difference. I never wanted to compete that is what I think has led me behind till now. I wrote a small fictional story about a boy and his dreamland when I was in class 8. I have that with me, sounds like things have been like that story for me now. I am a sad boy inside I know, I have no one to read my words. I always have written things presented to people and just got is failure, rejections. I write poems, they are good for me but do not know who else going to like them. I play guitar when I am alone but do not know who else will like that music. I know I need to find someone to talk to me, maybe a friend or something but I am complete misfit every where. I like the way I am I write things in the complicated way I present my scenario in complicated way. I meditate to relax, I try a deep breath help me keep calm. I want to be normal but I can’t. You may have read my blog stuffs currently I am making a board game. I do not know where it will reach but I am doing it. I just do things to make my mind occupied. I just get bored the whole day. I have a impure soul inside me who thinks that his value is less than every human that has ever lived. I want to be a writer but I also want to be a coding geek.

I have different desires but this world tells me I cannot fulfill that, I should only focus in one thing, just one thing. But that one thing is nothing. I tried, it is not i haven’t. But I want many things to accomplish. People say that in this age you get this sort of feeling everyday, you will be fine after the time passes. They may be right but deep inside somewhere I feel I can do all these things. I get upset very often. Sometimes, I write a lot but never been able to press that publish button of my blog. Um, I feel like people do not like to read these stuffs they have there life to get busy with. I may not be anything at the end. I may not have a degree, I may not have a job, I may not be a coder. I may be a man who has no work and stroll around alone in the park, in the bus, in cities running from people, running from ourselves but I know that one fact right inside my head and heart that no matter what happens your life will pass, you will die someday, you may not get what you wanted, you may become man of no value but there is always something that life has for you. There is always something that life has already reserved for people. Dreams may not be reality for me but I would be happy if I understood myself till the depth  I exist.

You know I am just 17 but can’t sleep in night because I always keep things about everything, almost everything. I have this lot of time I always keep wasting time just thinking about things that never happen. I try very hard to avoid it but never have been.

I feel relaxed when I write all these confused things and let be as it is. I love to read but not everything. I love to watch but not everything. I may be the ignorant one but I will pass my life anyway. I am amazed by the mystery this freaking world has got. I am just not able to understand why do we have this mysterious thing called feelings, emotions, other similar things. Why the world do not work the same way for everyone. Why people become greedy ? Why do we need a degree? Why do we get afraid due to our own dreams ?

The Nightmares I am not be able to go to Yale and end up reading in any university here scares me the most. I want to be the one who is just remembered for something, something great, something worth for the people. I have time, I can devote but till now I am alone and I know I need to move forward alone. There will be no one to help me anyway. I have another Nightmare too, just popped into my brain – What if I end up like a normal people who works at a place, doing same thing that is not worth anything and getting paid, raising families and growing old and die a normal life. Um, that will be the most regretful part of my life. I always loved collecting things. I used to collect a lot of things like different types of stones, insects, stamps, books ( read few of them like 2 out of 100), collect pens, collect leaves. Collecting things make me feel good. I like to show them to people sometimes but they do not like those things very much because I collect normal thing they see in their normal life.

I sure am a complicated boy. I am in search of something that I have never lost. A thing that never may be mine. I have deep thought to understand every people, explore myself and my soul. I want to be different, that is what everyone wants and that makes us all the same I guess. I may end of chasing something that never exist. I have a lot to share. I may be small as I am 17, but have a lot of things inside this small brain that do not have a listener to listen, reader to read, a painter to paint. I may not be able to present great but I just could express the way I am. I may not be the perfect as you all thought but at least I am thing that exist anyway. I am not lost but maybe someday deep inside the jungle of the thoughts, listening to the songs of the birds. Wish I had a reality that was like a dream I had yesterday. I know I am complicated but it is not my fault to be this way. Believe me !

I have a story that is very long to be told in this short passage. Well I think I well get someone to listen to me someday. I wish I will be doing all the things I want to do. I wish my parents are proud of me.

I am a story that will end someday but I wish no one has the problem that I have in my entire life.

There is something more interesting, my talks never end. I just keep speaking that is all I have got. I just express. First people like me but after sometime, after some days they get irritated. I am good without no friends. Alone in the room, day dreaming things and doing other stuffs.

You came till here. Thank you. But you know it is not the end I wanted to write more but could not get words to express what is inside. A deep feeling that is never expressed. A cold soul with a deep secret. Thank you once again.

Relocating My Soul

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2 thoughts on “What I really am ?? : Relocating Myself

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  1. It is good that you introspect so much at such a young age. It is good to be different. I wish I was more like you when I was younger. It would have given me a head start in life and my career. All the best for your applications process. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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